When “What do you want for dinner?” becomes the most difficult question

ByStephanie Schaefer, Psy.D.

It’s 6:00 p.m. on a Tuesday and your partner asks you what you want for dinner. This sounds like it should be an easy question—you’ve been solving difficult problems at work all day. Maybe you’re a healthcare professional, and spent a long day triaging patients, conducting differential diagnoses, and creating treatment plans for complicated clients.

Or maybe you’re a first-grade teacher, figuring out how to stretch your minuscule budget so you can incorporate more engaging lesson plans for your students. You’re also answering a thousand questions from inquisitive 7-year-olds, navigating behavioral challenges with little support, and dealing with helicopter parents. Regardless, you have been “on” all day, handling challenging situations with skill and grace, making decisions like a boss, and now that seemingly simple question as to what you want to eat stops you in your tracks. You have no idea how to answer it–you just want something good to eat that doesn’t require massive effort.

Personally, I dread the moment my partner asks me “what do you want for dinner?” in the same way one might dread being audited by the IRS. I’m a smart, capable human being, and the moment that question comes up, I immediately say “I don’t know, what do you want?” while simultaneously thinking “please don’t say burgers” (or whatever food we’ve had recently that I am not feeling). I can’t seem to stop myself! Often, I know what I don’t want more easily than what I do want, which is super annoying for me and frustrating for my partner. I always hate when someone says “whatever you want” or “you pick,” and then they proceed to tell you they don’t like any of the options you provided. And somehow, I’ve become that person, at times, in my own relationship. I should know better, right?

Why “What do you want for dinner?” is so hard to answer

So why is “What do you want for dinner?” such a difficult question to answer? Clearly, we all have preferences about what we like and do not like to eat, so it’s not a matter of a lack of information. The answer is far more nuanced than that.

If you’re a high-achiever, you probably spent the majority of your day ignoring your own needs to take care of everyone else’s. Coworkers, employers, patients, family members–even the family pets–come before you. You are extremely efficient and productive, which makes you indispensable to everyone else. That also means you get asked to do more—because you can always be depended upon to step up, no matter what it costs you personally. By the time dinner rolls around, you haven’t a clue how you’re feeling (other than exhausted) or what you want or need (other than food that tastes good). Feeling depleted makes it hard to check in with your own needs, because that takes a degree of effort and attention you no longer have the energy for.

Regardless of your role, you likely spent your entire day making decisions. Some of these decisions might seem small, like which protein bar to buy from the vending machine at break, while others have significant implications, like which critically ill patient to prioritize or which lesson to devote more time to before standardized testing. Every decision you make throughout the day requires a degree of thought and energy. By the end of the day, you’re severely lacking the resources to make one more decision—even a simple one. That’s what is sometimes referred to as decision fatigue.

Take the decision-making off your plate

Ok, so now what? There are a variety of ways to neutralize the kryptonite of “What do you want for dinner?” You may need to do some trial and error to see which methods work best for you. The first strategy is to eliminate the decision-making on a day-to-day basis. This requires planning ahead, whether through meal-prepping on a different day or creating a decision-making system. A decision-making system might involve writing down different options that you and your partner or family like and drawing one out of a jar.

Or you could number them and use a random number generator to tell you which item you’ll be having tonight. You could also have your partner or family members help by narrowing the options they present to you, so instead of leaving it open, the question becomes “Do you want burgers or tacos for dinner tonight?” You can get as creative as you and your family want with this decision-making system: a deck of cards to draw from with food options illustrated by your children, a “Wheel of Fortune” style spinner with foods listed on the different spaces, etc.

Check in with yourself before you’re out of fuel

It’s also important to practice checking in with yourself throughout the day so you know how you’re feeling physically and emotionally. You can tie this check-in to something you do multiple times a day, like going to the bathroom. Or you can set a reminder on your phone or computer that will go off at specific intervals in your day. The more you practice checking in with yourself, the easier it will be for you to do so when you’re fatigued. 

Questions to ask yourself

  • How am I feeling? Am I noticing any irritation or frustration today? What’s causing it? 
  • What has been the best (or worst) part of my day so far? Is there anything I am dreading? Which part feels the most difficult and why? 
  • How is my hunger? How is my thirst? Have I eaten enough today? Have I hydrated enough today? 
  • Are there any physical or emotional needs that need fulfilling? How can I meet those needs in the next 60 minutes? 
  • What is my stress level like? Is there anything I can delegate or postpone for today? 

I would also recommend doing a Body Scan (checking in from head to toe on how my body is feeling, including any tension) and engaging in diaphragmatic breathing during this check-in.

Try some of these strategies out and see which work best for you, so that when the inevitable question of “what do you want for dinner” comes up, you can answer with clarity: “I want pizza tonight.” It won’t happen overnight, and that’s ok. If this feels like more than just a rough Tuesday and most days end feeling this depleted, that’s worth looking at and it’s exactly the type of work I do with my clients in therapy. It’s tough being a high-achiever making decisions all day—I’ve been there, and I’m here to support you as you deal with depletion and burnout.