Fall, fresh starts, and the mixed feelings of life transitions

Fall is a funny time of the year for me. I know most people think about major overhauls to their life in January or in the spring time, when people start their “Spring cleaning” tasks. For me, fall has always been a time of transition and new beginnings. As the weather starts to feel more crisp, I naturally find myself doing more activities inside my home, like cleaning or reorganizing or getting back into a routine of meal prepping. Of course, this year we’re a week into October and you’d think we’re still in full-on summer with the warm, sunny days we’ve had lately, and yet I still feel that briskness in the air that, to me, signals a time of life transitions.

Maybe it’s because I spent 10 years pursuing my bachelor’s degree and two graduate degrees, or because I worked in higher education for nearly a decade. Regardless, every fall makes me think about major life changes. For most of my adult life, fall meant I was starting new courses as either a student or a professor, starting at new practicum or internship placements, supervising new trainees, or starting new jobs. And who can forget back-to-school “season” as a child? New pencils, notebooks, backpacks, clothes… All the trappings of a fresh start.

Why even good life transitions can feel hard

Some people find change and transition absolutely exhilarating, and others find it terrifying. There’s no right or wrong response to change, and most likely it’s a little bit… complicated. Whenever we experience a life change, it generally means some part of our life is coming to an end of sorts as we transition into our new reality. Sometimes that’s a really exciting change, like buying a home, getting married, graduating, having children, sending your youngest child off to college, or getting a new job. And yet, there may still be a part of you that grieves for the life you are leaving behind, the loss of routine, stability, or simply the known. Maybe the only thing about the future you know to be true is that it will be different from yesterday. Facing the unknown can be tiring and stressful, even when the reason for facing it is overwhelmingly positive.

Most change is a mixed bag

Many people get excited about the cozier weather, the return of their favorite pumpkin spice treat, football season, or the kick off to the holiday season, while also hating the darker days, fewer opportunities for outdoor activities, and the increase in rain, wind, or cold. Just like fall, most change is a bit of a mixed bag.

Maybe you’ve been in an unhappy marriage for 15 years and have finally signed your divorce papers. You might experience a sense of relief that you’re free from the strain of that relationship, feeling hopeful about a healthier future. At the same time, you might also be worrying about how you’ll rebuild financial security, missing the closeness you had with beloved in-laws, or dreading the thought of dating again. Your grief, or anxiety, or fear over these losses doesn’t necessarily mean you’re making the wrong choice. All of these things can be true at the same time. What matters is how you choose to move forward during this important transition.

How to take care of yourself during a life transition

Pre-decide whatever you can

Creating a strong home base when you’re facing a big change can make a real difference when you start to feel overwhelmed. When you take care of yourself, you have more energy (emotional and physical) to face whatever comes next. When a life transition requires a lot of decisions from you, I recommend “pre-deciding” whatever you can in your life.

For example, don’t spend your energy on what you’re going to eat when you’re really stressed about figuring out whether you should change your name on your social security card, finding a new place to live, and how on earth you’re going to navigate shared friends during the holidays. Instead, make batch meals to freeze or create a list of easy meals you can make quickly so you don’t have to expend energy on those decisions.

Design a “uniform” for yourself so that each morning you aren’t having to make decisions about what to wear and if it matches. This doesn’t have to be a literal uniform, of course. A rotation of outfits with coordinating pieces hung up together in your closet can do the trick nicely. Read more about the impact of decision-making in my post “When “What do you want for dinner?” becomes the most difficult question”.

Build a simple routine

Transition often involves the loss of familiar and comforting routines. Take care of your mental and physical health by developing a new routine. Don’t make it overly demanding or complicated, either. Working out doesn’t have to take 90 minutes 5 days a week. A 15-20 minute walk, doing some squats, lifting some hand weights (or gallon milk jugs with liquid in them), or stretching can all be great physical health activities to incorporate into your routine.

Prioritize comfort and fun

Your routine should also include regular self-care, which might change depending on what you need at any given time. You might schedule weekly therapy sessions, have dinner with a supportive friend or family member every Monday to start the week off positively, engage in your favorite hobby or one you’ve always wanted to try, cuddle your pets, get a pedicure. You get the idea. Make sure that whatever activity you are doing for self-care is healthy, not harmful, and provides some comfort or fun for you.

Let your thoughts “Ride the Wave”

Most people have a whole lot of thoughts come up when they are going through a life transition. Some of these thoughts might be useful in some way, others are absolute trash and it can be hard to know the difference when you’re in the midst of change. This could be a great time to practice the skill of “Riding the Wave” from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which asks you to notice an emotion or impulse and let it wash over you like a wave, without acting on it. It will ebb and flow, even if you do nothing.

In this case, try using it with your thoughts. Notice them, don’t judge them (Nonjudgmental is another DBT skill and it’s not always easy to do), and let them flow out of your mind. If it helps to get them off your mind, write them down. You can always return to them to do an evaluation (or challenge) of the thoughts later.

You don’t have to figure it out alone

Moving through life changes is something everyone must do, and no matter the type of change, it isn’t always easy. Just because you’re the person everyone depends on doesn’t mean you have to figure this change out on your own. If this life transition is taking more out of you than you expected, life transitions therapy might be right for you. Reach out for a free consultation and let’s figure out if working together could get you some relief.