How to stop saying “yes” when you really mean “no”

In my clinical work, and my own life, I’ve noticed that saying “no” is one of the most difficult skills to learn for many people. As a woman, I feel both internal and external pressure to maintain harmony in relationships, and as a psychologist, I know that’s not necessarily healthy for me or the millions of others who experience it.

Have you ever said “yes” to a request when every fiber of your being was screaming at you to say “no way!” and run in the other direction? I’ve been asked to stay late, do someone else’s work for them, help someone move, go to events I have zero interest in, accept vegetables I have no intention of eating. I’ve given an opinion I didn’t want to give (how can I tell them that sweater is hideous without hurting their feelings or resorting to outright lies?!), and agreed to “solutions” I wanted no part of.

Every time, I placed more value on maintaining harmony in the relationships or workplace over my own needs, desires, and wellbeing. This isn’t uncommon. We all do things we don’t like sometimes, and hopefully the tradeoff we receive from it is worth it. Only for me, it often was not. Sometimes I would feel stressed or anxious, angry and resentful, or simply exhausted. None of this was particularly beneficial—not for me or the person who made the request of me.

If you’re still reading this, you’re probably an expert at prioritizing the needs of others. That means simply stating a preference might feel really uncomfortable for you. You don’t want to bias your partner or suggest something they don’t like, so it’s easier not to suggest anything at all. It saves you from making a decision and from the emotional labor of managing their response to your suggestion. You center their needs before your own. If you have been socialized as female in this society, odds are you learned to defer to the needs of others in order to maintain harmonious relationships at a very young age. This can be a really difficult habit to change, even when you’re motivated to do so.

Why we struggle to leave it at “no”

Many people think the solution is to do the opposite—just start saying “no” to everything. But it doesn’t work out for them. They still seem to get talked into helping their cousin’s friend’s brother move on the last nice weekend before summer ends. Why? We overexplain. It’s never just a simple “no.” We can’t leave it at those two little letters. We have to explain our no. “Oh darn, I’ve got lunch plans that day, sorry!” to which they reply, “We can wait until you’re done with lunch to load the boxes into your truck.” Now you feel trapped. The intense urge to explain our “no” stretches across situations, from home to work. Before you know it, you’re working later than ever and doing the work of 3 people, because you need your job and you can’t risk “disappointing” your boss.

Practice saying just “no”

Saying “no” when you want to is an important step—and you must resist the urge to explain. This is much more difficult than it might sound as you’re reading this right now, so I’d like to encourage you to practice. Find someone you trust and who will support you in starting to say “no” to requests and ask them to make all kinds of ridiculous requests of you. Have them call you, text you, ask you in person. Your job is to utter that single, precious word: “no” and nothing else. Have them point out when you stray into explaining or qualifying your “no.”

As you get better at this, they can make less outlandish requests. Over time, and eventually you won’t know if they are making requests to help you practice or because they genuinely are making a request of you. That’s perfect—because hopefully now you are only saying “yes” to requests you truly want to say “yes” to. It takes time, and you’ll probably backslide—that’s ok, just keep trying.

Once you gain confidence, you can practice this with more people (and they don’t necessarily need to know what you’re doing). You will probably feel pressure to change back. That happens when we change our behavior and are part of a system: the easiest way to “right” a system is for it to change back to how it was operating before. Stay strong.

Knowing when to say “no” or “yes”

It’s important to take a look at your desire to prioritize the needs of others. That might involve engaging in individual therapy to explore how that developed into a habit for you and what adjustments you can (and are willing) to make. There are certainly some situations when it would not be physically or emotionally safe to say “no” to someone. For example, if saying “no” is going to escalate a turbulent partner and make it unsafe for you, it may not be the time to practice. It’s important to evaluate your needs and the actual safety of saying “no.” You can do this by asking yourself some questions when you notice you are about to prioritize someone else’s needs. 

Questions to ask yourself: 

• How will saying “yes” benefit and not benefit me? How will saying “no” benefit and not benefit me?
• Is this request something I would enjoy doing? Does it align with my values, goals, or desires?
• Am I wanting to say “yes” because I don’t want the discomfort of saying “no”?
• What is pulling me to prioritize this person’s needs over mine? Will they be ok if this need isn’t met right now? Will I be ok if I meet their need but not my own right now? 
• Is this a pattern in my relationship with this person? 
• What are the consequences of prioritizing their need(s) over mine and what am I afraid might happen if I prioritized my needs instead?
• Is it safe (physically, emotionally) to say “no” to this person right now?

A friend recently invited me to attend a Comic Con event with her. There was a part of me that wanted to say “yes” because I deeply value our friendship, I want her to be happy, and I enjoy spending time with her. And there was a bigger part of me that reacted to the invitation with a “absolutely not, no way!” because I have seen how crowded and overstimulating those events could be. I’m happy to report I said “no” and our friendship is doing great.

If you found yourself wincing at the familiarity of these examples, it might be a sign it’s time to say “yes” to boundaries therapy so you can start saying “no” where it counts. Reach out if you’d like some help learning how to say “no” without the guilt.